Anyway, I went to Yahoo this morning to see if Robert or Nancy sent anything. (You know, they would get a lot more business from people like me if they sent free samples. And how do I know if this enlargement stuff doesn't enlarge other parts of my body as well? Has it been tested?) Nothing from Nancy or Robert but I did have something from Jill, Candy and Penelope. Penelope, there's a name you don't hear often these days.
And then an e-mail from my wife caught my eye. We live in the same house, but she gets a kick out of sending me e-mails. Sometimes she sends me a note via the postal service to alert me to the fact that I have an e-mail. I really should check my e-mail more often.
My wife has a great sense of humor and this one is funny. I thought I'd pass it on. I don't know this guy Andy Borowitz, but he's funny, and he looks like a pleasant enough fellow.
The story is about President Bush and the problem he has with his pants catching on fire.
While I'm still laughing from that one, I notice one from my friend Bob who usually sends me a lot of chain letters, which I never pass on. I know. I know. I'm taking a big chance. This one, however, wasn't a chain letter. It was excerpts from the diary of a guy who sounds a lot like me.
Subject: Diary of a snow shovel
> > December 8 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first
> > snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails
> > and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft
> > flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma
> > Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again.
> > I love snow!
> >
> > December 9 We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal
> > white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a
> > fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the
> > whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had!
> > Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again.
> > I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon
> > the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks
> > and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What
> > a perfect life!
> >
> > December 12 The sun has melted all our lovely snow.
> > Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry;
> > we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on
> > Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much
> > snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow
> > again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man,
> > I'm glad he's our neighbor.
> >
> > December 14 Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night.
> > The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything
> > sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed
> > up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the
> > life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried
> > everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite
> > this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this
> > way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
> >
> > December 15 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and
> > bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car
> > and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants
> > a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's
> > silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
> >
> > December 16 Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass
> > on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell.
> > The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
> >
> > December 17 Still way below freezing. Roads are too
> > icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had
> > to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but
> > stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've
> > bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate
> > it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in
> > my own living room.
> >
> > December 20 Electricity's back on, but had another 14
> > inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took
> > all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find
> > a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy
> > playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only
> > hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower
> > and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I
> > think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city
> > will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
> >
> > December 22 Bob was right about a white Christmas
> > because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and
> > it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me
> > 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and
> > then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed
> > and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to
> > hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the
> > winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is
> > lying.
> >
> > December 23 Only 2 inches of snow today. And it
> > warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the
> > front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!!
> > Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She
> > says she did but I think she's lying.
> >
> > December 24 6 inches - Snow packed so hard by
> > snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having
> > a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who
> > drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow
> > by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel.
> > I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to
> > finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at
> > 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've
> > just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas
> > carols with her and open our presents, but I was too
> > busy watching for the damn snowplow.
> >
> > December 25 Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more
> > inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in. The idea
> > of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the
> > snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a
> > donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.
> > The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a
> > fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life"
> > one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
> >
> > December 26 Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever
> > move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on
> > my nerves.
> >
> > December 27 Temperature dropped to -30 and the
> > pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for
> > him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
> >
> > December 28 Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed
> > in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
> >
> > December 29 10 more inches. Bob says I have to
> > shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest
> > thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
> >
> > December 30 Roof caved in. I beat up the snow
> > plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars,
> > not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to
> > shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went
> > home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.
> >
> > December 31 I set fire to what's left of the house. No
> > more shoveling.
> >
> > January 8 Feel so good. I just love those little white
> > pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
Two laughs before 5:30 in the morning ain't bad.
No comments:
Post a Comment